How to say no without feeling conflicted: A strategy to assist with effective time and emotional management.
Who would have thought that 2 letters could cause us so much anxiety? I am, of course, talking about the word “no.” In 1976, when Elton John and Bernie Taupin released the song Sorry seems to be the hardest word, they got it wrong. Saying the word sorry can often bring emotional relief, mend relationships, make you feel warm and fuzzy, and that you are doing the right thing. The word no, however, is riddled with associated feelings of guilt, failure, and anxiety and is often much more difficult to say.
Is saying ‘no’ a learned behavior?
The word no means a denial, a refusal. I’m sure you recall that as children we were taught that saying no was regarded as a form of defiance, so until we reached our rebellious teenage years, we didn’t say it……well, not often, anyway. But as an adult, we make more of our own choices. Being able to say no in an appropriate way, is a learned behavior, a life skill that, unfortunately, most people never learn.
Now, I am not going to say it is easy, because it isn’t. But you must learn to say it if you value your sanity and your time.
Using the word no often feels uncomfortable, no matter what the circumstances, but it is an essential skill to help you through your journey to empowerment and choice. You may be saying no in regard to taking on another project at work, volunteering at another charity event, or even a request from a family member.
To understand why we find it hard to say no, we need to look at why it is so much more comfortable to say yes.
Why do we say yes when we mean no?
1. Fear of conflict.
One of the most compelling and organic reasons we like to say yes can best be reflected through Maslow’s Hierachy of Needs, or through a powerful human instinct to be accepted by our peers. Once our physical and safety needs are met, we start to move up the hierarchy until we reach the 3rd level – the need for love and belonging. None of us like conflict, and even though we have may have different ideas on how we can do things, or have different priorities than our peers, we start to adopt the habits of our peer group in order to ”fit-in.”
Which brings me to the second reason we often say yes….. we want to be seen as a team player.
2. Wanting to be seen as being a ‘team player’.
What exactly does it mean to be a team player? My personal experience has shown that the term “team player” is very subjective. To me being a team player means that we all share a common goal and work toward that goal in the best way possible. As a nurse, that has translated to providing the best care I can in a safe and respectful manner to my patients, their family members, and my colleagues. We are there to help each other, to offer advice when it is sought, and act as an emotional support when required, etc.
To many of my managers, the determination of being a team player focused on whether I would pick up an extra shift “to help your colleagues.” As someone who felt three twelve hour shifts was more than enough for one week, I was never regarded as a “team player”. It didn’t seem to matter that I would always help my colleagues out and check if they needed any help before I left for home. Many of my colleagues, however, would pick up that shift rather than be seen as “difficult.” Does this sound familiar?
3. Taking the path of least resistance.
I would imagine many of you reading this have said yes to something you didn’t really want to do because it was the path of least resistance. One of the most difficult situations is when you are with a group of people, perhaps in a formal meeting, and your boss, instead of taking you to one side and asking you before the meeting, suddenly volunteers you for a project or task in front of everyone. This passive/aggressive approach is used frequently by managers, who I believe, are themselves insecure. It becomes very difficult to decline when you are asked to do something in front of your colleagues, which s of course, exactly what your manager is hoping for.
Our inherent dislike of conflict as humans often leads us to cower down and accept what we don’t want to accept. Conflict conjures up feelings of fear, anger, and frustration, which often don’t go away, and can fester both at work and home. While outwardly you willingly accept this delegation of the task, inwardly feelings of being taken for granted and being put in a position where it would have been difficult to refuse, can start to eat away at you.
4. Fear of losing a friend.
Fear of losing a friend or destroying a relationship is a very strong driver to say ‘yes’. You don’t want to let them down, you know they do not have the skills to do what they are asking of you, but are you really the only one who can do what they are asking? You may have just taken on a large project at work and really don’t have the time. But you wonder whether they will still want to see you as often if you say no, and what if they become better friends with the person who does help them? This situation can often bring a yes for fear of the consequences of the no.
5. FOMO.
While we are on the issue of fear, the fear of missing out (FOMO) can drive you to say yes when what you really want to say is no. Let’s be honest, there is always a social side to any project, especially if you are involved with a charity or other voluntary work. The worry that you may be excluded from future opportunities or people may talk about you when you are not there., is enough to worry you into saying yes. You don’t want to be left out. It’s a natural part of our socialization.
6. You don’t want to be rude or disrespectful.
Quite simply, you don’t want to be seen as rude or disrespectful. That’s how you were raised.
Why do you even need to say no?
1.The simplest reason is you don’t want to do what is being asked of you. In a perfect world that would be ideal, but every job and every aspect of your life has something in it that you need to say yes to. Learn to identify the difference between the elements of the job you can’t say no to and those which fit into the genuine part of you role- at work or at home.
2. Saying yes may preclude you from achieving your own goals. If you are a mother, I have no doubt you have probably been putting everyone else’s needs before your own. Even now when your children may be away at university or married, you may be caring for a sick parent, in-law, or spouse. Give yourself permission to have “me” time. It will make you a better person and enable you to address life’s demands in a more positive way.
3. What you are being asked to do may not be compatible with your own values or beliefs. While we all live in a more tolerant society, there are still things you may not want to be involved with. You can respect those who ask it of you, but still respectfully decline.
4. You feel you are being taken advantage of. This is often seen in the workplace. You find things are delegated to you because you never give the boss a hard time, you never argue, you just take it on the chin and get on with whatever is asked of you. It makes life so much easier for those delegating to you as they know you will get the job done, but at what cost to you? Have you noticed the same people get asked all the time, and they are the ones that get rewarded, but outside the meeting, they will complain that they can’t do it all. Is that you?
5. You are not going to let someone else’s bad time management become your problem. Perhaps a family member needed their workout gear washed and they ask you several hours before – well they can do it. Your boss has just read the email from the regional director that arrived 2 weeks ago, and now he wants to have everything done yesterday! Trouble is, you’re the one who is going to have to do the work.
6. You simply cannot take on another thing and still have some sort of life. You don’t want to go back to the days of sleepless nights, being irritable with family and friends and not even having time for them. Do you want the constant stress and the feeling that everything you do is not as good as you want it to be, or, in some cases, just not completing the task.
No, is an assertive word, but, when used correctly, you can still be compassionate and understanding of others’ needs and of shifting priorities.
How to say No!
1. You can always just say “no.” It may not get you any supporters, but the message will be clear, and there are circumstances where that is appropriate.
2. If you feel backed into a corner or are being asked to do something in front of a group of people, try saying “I would like more details first. Let’s discuss it after the meeting,” or “I need to check my schedule and I will get back to you by……………”
3. “I know this project is important to you and the company. I do have a lot on but I am happy for us both to take a look at my schedule to see what can be re-prioritized.” This way the person asking has to make the decision. You are happy to take it on, but something has to give. I have used this technique personally, and it is very effective. Managers often forget how much you are already doing, and it is a good time to remind them.
4. “You know my schedule is pretty busy right now, and I just can’t take anything else on, but let me ask a colleague who may be interested in this.” This way you are declining but providing an alternative. My experience tells me that when people delegate, they are often more concerned about passing the monkey over to someone else than of who takes care of it.
5. Commit your “department” to the project/task. It is important to delegate and get past the “I’ll just do it myself – it will be quicker” mentality, but you can still oversee the project. Make sure you do delegate the task in this approach.
6. Don’t say no with a bunch of excuses. Everyone has their own share of issues. The difference is, they may not bring them to work or let them spill over into other areas of their life. Try not to wear your heart on your sleeve.
***********
Remember, saying no increases the value and impact of saying yes, and when you say yes those around you will feel very appreciative of the fact you value their request with such regard that you want to be involved in it.
Conversely, when you say yes to someone, remember you may be saying no to one of your own goals. Saying no is a learned behavior and one that does not come easily. Whether it be volunteer work, a night out with a friend, a family request for something you cannot afford or don’t want to do, or a work project, spend some time thinking about why you have been saying yes all the time, practice saying no, and start to feel empowered by your words.
