Do you suffer from Perfectionism Paralysis? How to accept that ‘Good Enough is Good Enough’.

Are you stuck in the starting blocks when everyone else is already half way down the track? Are you an ‘all or nothing person’ who never makes the first move for fear of failure?  Do you see a need to improve on everything or have everything in its place? If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you are suffering from perfectionism paralysis.

Have you ever tried to relax and watch a film on TV only to find your eye wandering toward things that seem to be “not right?” The ornament on the book shelf looks like it has been moved and needs moving back to its original position. Gosh, you can see the dust around its original resting place – note to self – I must dust tomorrow. The mark on the glass of the patio door.  ‘I never noticed that yesterday’. The sofa cushions are out of place. The dust bunny in the corner – must vacuum that tomorrow.

I’m sure that if someone visited your home, it would be clean and tidy at the very least, with nothing outwardly wrong. So why are you looking for absolute perfection instead of relaxing and focusing on the film? Well, this is the one hundred thousand dollar question and to be perfectly honest, I don’t know the answer.

Well if I’m being honest with myself, I sort of do know. Like many of you reading this, I unfortunately possess the traits of a perfectionist, and therein lies the problem. As women we always seem to feel we have something to prove. That we can work in a demanding job, keep our house perfect, make time for the family, care for elderly parents, and deal with any crisis that comes our way.

But why do we think this? Is it a control thing? a stress response? a way of rationalizing what we do? Or, is it just an excuse? Now, I am not a psychologist and will never claim to be, but like many of you, I am a graduate of the school of hard knocks and have a wealth of experience in the world of perfectionism.

A Perfectionism Lesson

I had my first perfectionism lesson 32 years ago. Having just completed RN school, and in my first “proper job,” I was notified by Matron (the clinical lead in the hospital) that the student nurses were having a difficult time with the very high expectations I was setting for them and that I was inflexible in how I was teaching them a particular procedure. The reason for this is interesting and will, I’m sure, resonate with many of you. Stress!

Within 3 months of obtaining my nursing license, I was in charge of a busy 32-bed acute surgical unit for every shift I worked.  I wanted to impress my manager, not because I wanted the charge nurse role, but because I wanted to prove I was a great nurse, especially as I was an older graduate with previous management experience. But I very quickly became overwhelmed with all the tasks this role entailed. So what did I do? I reverted to my left brain and followed every procedure by the book.

At the time I received the feedback, I was offended that, despite me taking charge of this unit for 3 months, this was her biggest criticism. However, after a few months and many internal tantrums, I realized that what I had done was revert to my perfectionist ways as a way of managing my stress and inexperience. For me and many of you, it was a way of staying in control, but why do we feel we have to do this?

Take a look at the traits of perfectionists and the causes of perfectionism and see how many you can check off.

1. Traits of a perfectionist:

• All or nothing mentality – nothing is ever good enough
• Results focused – it may not be good enough
• Fear of failure – better not to start it than fail to do it correctly
• Procrastinator – due to fear of not being able to do the task “perfectly”
• Fear of disapproval of others – especially one’s peers
• Have unrealistic standards – depressed by unmet goals
• Have low self-esteem – our critical nature can push people away
• Defensiveness – justify what we are doing
• OCD tendencies – depends on the stress levels
• Are high achievers – from schooldays?

2. Causes of perfectionism:

• Stress – above and beyond the normal daily stress
• Lack of control of a situation – this may be at work or home
• Parents whose expectations you never met – no praise – just an expectation delivered
• Overly concerned by what others think of you – peer judgment is huge
• Fear – of not doing something properly or being out of our depth
• Being thrown to the wolves – wanting to protect ourselves from being “set up to fail”

Perfectionism and Procrastination tend to go hand in hand.

3. Consequences of perfectionism:

• Stress = more stress – it becomes a vicious cycle
• Anxiety – worrying that if it is not done perfectly, then you have failed and people will notice. The reality is, they won’t
• Depression – that you can never meet your own standards, which sets you up in a permanent mode of failure
• Inability to delegate – becoming a “control freak” – “I’ll only have to do it again as it won’t be up to my standards so I may as well do it myself first time”
• An illusion of being in control – although the exact opposite is true
• Never feeling good enough – no matter how hard you try.

Perfectionism is a form of Self Sabotage

4. Ways to reduce perfectionism:

• Acknowledge it – always the first place to start
• Ask yourself “What is the worst that can happen if it is not perfect?”
• When you find yourself being overly detailed, acknowledge it, and stop
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. It will take care of itself
• Set yourself a time frame for a task, and once it is done, it’s done.
• Recognize the fear of not doing it perfectly, and work through it
• Remember that if it is your work, you are the only person who is likely to know what is missing.

When working on my Masters degree I would always leave my assignments until a week before they were due. I found I wrote my best pieces on a deadline, even though I didn’t have anytime to fuss, rewrite more than a small section, and perhaps proof once. In fact, the best article I have ever written was an academic article on the subject of change. How long did it take me to write the piece? Only about 8 hours. For once, I just let the words flow, read it through, then submitted it for publication. It is the most downloaded article of the journal I manage. Go figure!

Probably one of the most important issues to remember is that your perfectionist personality traits can affect friends and family. By not delegating, whether at work or at home, you send a message that you don’t trust that person to complete the task, and can subsequently cause tension between friends and family members.

Don’t let perfectionism paralyze you into dysfunctional behavior. As Susan Jeffers wrote, “Feel the Fear …….and do it anyway.” and remember that

Good Enough is Good Enough!