Don’t Call Me Dear. Being invisible to others when you feel very present.
Do you feel you have become invisible to the people around you? That you’ve become one of those people whose opinions don’t matter? This week is the first time in my life I felt this way as I officially became part of that homogenous group known as “dears.”
In fact, I have had 3 different people refer to me as “dear” this last week. Whenever I hear that word, it creates a fierce reaction inside me. It makes me think people aren’t seeing me, Heather the person. I feel invisible (yes, I know that contradicts being seen, but I’m sure you know what I mean by it).
Don’t call me dear
The first time I was referred to as “Dear” was when I was contacted in a professional capacity. Can you believe the email began “Hi dear.” I almost sent it straight to the trash, but my curiosity got the better of me. It was a bona fide email from a professional man interested in writing for my journal. I pondered, roared inside for a minute, then emailed back and said exactly this.
“Please do not call me dear. I am a professional woman, and the editor of the journal you are writing to me about. I find this very offensive.” I was met by a sarcastic reply “Hi Master.” Why does a man feel that because I stood my ground and called him out on his informal, ageist, and unprofessional way of referring to me, he can come back with a further insult? Good thing I own the journal. I can choose not to deal with someone like that, and that is exactly what I did.
The second time, and on the same day, was the acknowledgment I received when I resigned my nursing agency position. “Thank you for letting us know dear.” What? Did I suddenly lose my individuality and my name? No, I became as invisible to them as if I had just put on a cloaking device. Why is it so difficult to say my name? I have been working with them for over a year.
The third time was at my local supermarket a couple of days later. “Do you want any help out with your shopping, dear?” No, I bloody don’t!
Feeling Invisible.
Now I know you are reading this and asking yourself – ‘why is she reacting to this so strongly? Does it really matter?’ Well, yes, it does. And why? Because it makes me feel that I have become invisible. I am no longer an individual. I am now being categorized into that group of “dears.” You know, the over 60’s. The “granny” group, no longer deemed to be useful to society and to be pitied.
In what ways might you feel invisible?
In a survey conducted on middle-aged women to identify their biggest fears, becoming invisible and less worthy at work and in their personal life, was second in a list of six fears, which was topped off by the fear of not living life fully. The survey identified that women in their early 50’s feared becoming invisible due to the ageism seen in the workplace and an internal loss of their professional value.
Beauty, age and invisibility
Pauline Porizkova, an actress, model, and author commented that as women of a certain age, we are only visible in society if we look younger than our age, or when we become very elderly and “cute.” To be visible as we age, she argues that we need to be provocative with conversation, not looks. But what does it mean when someone says to you “Oh, you don’t look sixty.” I mean, what does sixty look like?
And who are we measuring it against? Our mother who felt she had to dress according to her age in boring flat shoes, pleated skirt, twin set, with a perm, accompanied by the obligatory pearls? In fact, Alyson Walsh argues that we have exchanged invisibility for stereotyping, for instance, being perceived in the ‘grandma’ category, whether we are or not.
Sexual power and invisibility
One 63-year-old defines her invisibility as a change in her sexual power. Do you recall walking down the street in your younger years and people staring for all the right reasons? When this power left, she had an “aha” moment and realized she was not at the world’s disposal, and “what she is interested in is what she is interested in.” An empowering thought as you become older is that you are our own person and are no longer defined by how many wolf whistles you get on the way to and from work.
Invisibility at home and with family
Your invisibility does not just originate from the superficial world of external beauty. It also comes from being taken for granted at home and at work, demonstrated by a disregard of our needs by others. Are you always the one who steps up to visit your parents when one of them falls ill, despite your brother living much closer? Are you the one who makes sure all the bills are paid and the money is managed, constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul, and carrying the worry on your own? Is it left to you to make sure the meals are prepared each day, even if other members of the household get home before you?
As a side note, I am pleased to recognize that there are many men in the boomer generation that enjoy cooking- thank goodness I am married to one of them.
How do you become visible again?
Some might say we are blaming the generation of women who have gone before us as being responsible for the “dear” generation, of creating that stereotype we reject so vehemently.
As Lady Boomers, we are much less accepting than our mothers (with some exceptions of course). We have higher expectations for our retirement years. In fact, for many of us, we do not see the third age of our life as an opportunity to retire. Instead we see the years ahead as an opportunity to do the things we have never had the opportunity to do while working full time or when bringing up children.
As women we have become more assertive, you could say more liberated, than the previous generation, and I’m not talking about burning our bras – unless you have had a boob lift, a well fitted bra is an essential tool for a woman in later life.
In her 2011 TED Talk, Mary Catherine Bateson commented that our culture has inserted a new period of the life-cycle before old age, and as lady boomers that is where we fit right in. She states it is the time for us to liberate ourselves from the stereotypes of ageing.
1.Wear your hair the way you want to.
How many times have you heard that you shouldn’t wear your hair long once you reach 50? Or, if you have gray hair you can’t wear it long. Or, you will look younger if you dye your hair. It must have been a man that said that, as men don’t understand the frustration of having to dye the roots every 2 weeks (especially if you have brown or black hair). All that mess. Yuk! Even if you conduct a Google search on hairstyles there are sections for ‘the best hairstyles for the over 50’s”.
2. Express who you are through your clothes
Fortunately there are far more clothes in today’s culture that can be worn by all ages. However, I must just write a word or two of caution. Heels are definitely to be reserved for a special occasion (unless you one of the few people who exist in our age group who can wear high heels all day), keep the very short skirt for the tennis court or the bedroom, and avoid very low-cut tops in the workplace, even if you want to show off that boob job.
Even though it is such an ageist remark, being compared to “mutton dressed as lamb.” is probably not the look you are going for. So much of fashion today is ageless and classic and looks good on us all. So go for it! Try something new. If you want to wear bright red trainers with a pink pant suit, then wear them.
3. Don’t be afraid of seeking ‘artificial’ help.
If it makes you feel good and gives you more confidence, don’t be afraid to use Botox or have a face lift, or any other plastic surgery. I have had Botox several times and found it very good. It does require regular maintenance and it is expensive, but I found it very expensive. I’m going to try a vampire facial next.
But it’s also OK to embrace your wrinkles as you age gracefully. Feeling confident in how you look will instantly make you feel more visible to others. You want to feel comfortable with what you have had done. Remember less is more, and the more discreet the changes, the more your friends will think you look refreshed and curious.
4. Let your family know you feel they are taking you for granted.
Make sure you address the “invisibility” associated with being taken for granted by friends, family, and work colleagues. That involves engaging with others and at times, creating conflict in order to resolve one. Tell your family members how you are feeling.
Discuss solutions together. Create a schedule with your partner/family for cooking, cleaning, and shopping. Order in once a week. Make enough for 2 meals when you are cooking – it won’t take long for you to build up a good store of home cooked frozen meals to give you both a night off from cooking – and it’s cheaper. Develop a cleaning rota, and make sure you create one evening per week where you don’t do anything in the house.
5. Take a look at your workload at work.
Read the blog on How to say ‘no’ without feeling bad, and start to take back some control at work. Being selective about what you will take on will make you more visible, and, ultimately, respected.
7. Seek help and support if you are a caregiver.
If you are caring for elderly parents, talk to your family about them helping you out, and create a schedule that will give you a break. There always seems to be an assumption that the daughter is the best sibling to be the caregiver – this is just yet another example of the “dutiful daughter” stereotype. There is nothing wrong with another family member contributing. Your parent will probably enjoy a different person to talk with, and you can at least relax a little.
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Becoming more visible comes with gaining increasing confidence in yourself. You also need the skills to challenge your existing situation and the stereotypes that are associated with age and ageing. There is one thing I do know though. The next time anyone refers to me as “dear,” I will be challenging them to handbags at dawn.
