10 approaches to living your best life over 55. How to stay positive in a negative world.
Wherever we go in life, be it work, school, a family get- together, or meeting up with friends, it feels like there are negative players that only see the bad side of life. They spend their days complaining about everything. They will freely criticize colleagues, and sometimes you, in a way they feel they are entitled to, and which can be very hurtful. Their glass remains half empty at all times.
If you’re not careful, they will bring you down to their level. A lot like an alcoholic, who wants a drinking partner to make them feel better. It’s important you learn how to deal with these people by adopting your own positive philosophy to life.
Live in the ‘here and now’ and be present.
To live in the here and now, and be present in what you are doing, may seem an obvious thing to do. But how often do you think about how you can recreate the past, or you spend hours planning for the future, and, in doing so, forget to live your life now?
None of us knows what’s around the corner. I recall, as a first year nursing student, caring for a 65-year-old man who had retired the week before he was admitted to the hospital. His wife was telling me they had planned to travel for the next few years and had worked hard to save up for their retirement. Her husband died 3 days later from a massive stroke.
Living in the past and dreaming of what might have been “if only…………had happened/ I had done this” will not change anything. Have goals by all means, but don’t miss out on the joys of being present with your partner, family, and friends now.
This post looks at 10 approaches you can adopt to help you live your best life, despite the nay-sayers you will inevitably meet along the way.
1. Don’t waste time on things you can’t change.
This has to be the biggest time-waster in our day, and we are all guilty of it. In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Influential People, Stephen Covey writes about how much time we spend in what he describes as the Circle of Concern. In this circle we have no influence over the outcomes yet we spend much of our time talking about it, instead of focusing on being present in our circle of influence, where we can make a difference.
Let’s take an example many of us have engaged in during our work life, myself included. Complaining about our boss. Have you complained about your boss when you are at work, saying how you can do the job better, and you don’t know how he/she ever got promoted to that position? Sound familiar? So, ask yourself this one question, “Why do I spend so much time talking about this when nothing will change?” It takes you into a negative space. Instead try focusing on what you can do well at home or work. This will build your circle of influence and peoples respect for you.
The other observation I have made over my many years of working and in life – try to look at the bigger picture. Have you ever thought that sometimes people are promoted, not because of their ideas and ability to lead, but because they can be easily led by those who manage them? Much less threatening to them that way.
2.Learn to say “no”.
Why is this so important to maintaining a positive approach to life? Because if you keep saying yes to everything you are asked to do, whether it be at work, or family related, you will become overwhelmed by the workload, leaving no time for anything you want to do. This will, in turn, make you feel angry, resentful, and negative. But remember who it was that said “yes” in the first place. Learn how to say no without feeling conflicted. It’s amazing how a two letter word can impact your mindset in such an influential way.
3. Believe in yourself.
There are so many ‘negative nancys’ in this world who want to bring you down by causing you to doubt yourself. I was really saddened recently when I reached out to someone I met at a writing conference 4 years ago. I asked her how she was doing with her writing, and she told me she had stopped writing because of the negative feedback she had received at the workshop.
We all need to take note of constructive criticism and determine what changes we can make, but it should never be given in a way that destroys the person to the point where they don’t believe in their abilities anymore.
Conversely, if you are in a position where it is your role to give feedback, put yourself in the other person’s shoes before you say anything. Start with something positive and then address the issue. But whatever happens, remember that when you receive feedback it is the perspective of that one person and, above all, you need to believe in your passions and run with them.
4. Keep in touch with those who you enjoy being with.
Keep your friend circle to those who make you feel good about yourself. I was originally going to sub head this section “keep in touch with friends and family” but that would assume that there is no internal conflict within families, which we all know is not true.
Over the last year, we have all recognized the importance of social interaction in our lives. Without it, we can become depressed, apathetic, and unmotivated. It’s as important to schedule time in your life for those you enjoy being around, as it is to schedule time for work and other activities. Make sure it remains a priority, but don’t be afraid to be “too busy” to meet up with those friends who drain the energy out of you.
5. Stop putting pressure on yourself.
As women, we spend much of our lives attempting to be all things to everyone, trying to prove to ourselves and others that we can do it all. But the pressure we put on ourselves to be the best mother, to be the best at work, to have the perfect house, is just too much, and inevitably we set ourselves up for failure.
However, we can learn a lot from failure. It’s how we build our experiences, our inner resources, and how we demonstrate we are human. It’s OK to not be great at everything. Don’t be afraid to leave the dishes in the sink or leave the vacuuming for a few hours to spend that precious time with your family. You can also let your family know that you would like someone to cook dinner one night a week or bring home something from the local take out because you are too tired to cook.
Focus on what’s essential and do it well, rather than try and do everything in detail and fail dismally or run yourself into the ground trying. Remember Don’t sweat the small stuff.
6, Learn to forgive. I would be very surprised if any of you reading this post has not held a grudge against someone else, be it a friend, a family member, or a work colleague, or even yourself and which has translated and festered into something more than it is healthy to be.
There are always 2 people to forgive in any situation, the person who has wronged you, or yourself who may have wronged, or you feel you have wronged someone else, or not been there for someone when they needed you. While I am not a psychiatrist I have often heard of the importance of being able to “let go” of something that has happened in the past, to learn to forgive. Not necessarily for their sake, but for yours. That way you will not chew on it and spend time thinking about something that is not going to change. It takes away your good energy and you are always the one that will suffer.
7. Don’t set the bar too high.
Over reaching should be my middle name. I have always been the person who thinks I can do everything in half the time it actually needs, and then become overwhelmed when I don’t reach my goal. My work colleague always said that whenever I gave a deadline she would double it as she knew that was really where I would end up.
Now, goals are very important. They provide us with the drive and positive energy to keep moving forward. Knowing that we are on a journey can keep us motivated. But they must be realistic and achievable. That way you will feel a great sense of achievement when you get there. Oh, and don’t forget to reward yourself when you reach them.
8. Organize but don’t obsess.
As women we are natural multi-taskers and often end up organizing everything to the point that if it does not work out. And what do we do? We beat ourselves up about it. Focus on getting through the most important tasks of the day, and don’t worry if things don’t quite go to plan. Stress can bring out the OCD in all of us, which starts that vicious cycle of anxiety.
Life happens, schedules change and that’s OK. Get your priority tasks completed and the rest can be done another day. If it helps, use a planner, but use it expeditiously. Only write down what must be done and not a whole list of desirable tasks, like painting the bathroom, washing the curtains, etc. You know deep down they will not get done during the week, and why do you need a reminder? Don’t set yourself up for failure.
I can’t tell you the number of times the unimportant things have dropped off the list of even needing to be done by the time I get to them, and here I am, still functioning.
9. Make time for yourself.
This means blocking out time in your week for some “me” time, even if it is only once a week. It may be a meal out with friends, going to the local writer’s club and having a meal afterwards, perhaps going to yoga a couple of times a week, taking a run, or having a mani-pedi or facial. Whatever it is, let the family know this is your time.
It’s OK to put yourself first, and you need to give yourself permission to do so. You are not a bad mother, daughter, or friend if you have other things planned. Learn how to say no to others and say yes to yourself. Everyone will benefit from it in the long term.
This sounds easy, and yet I know it’s not, especially for those mothers who instinctively put everyone’s needs before their own, especially if you are a daughter whose spare time may be filled with visits to ailing parents. As a nurse I have said many times to caregivers, if you fall sick, you won’t be of any help to anyone. You need to look after yourself as well.
10. Have your own money.
Even if you do not have much spare cash, try and put a little away for yourself. or have a credit card in your own name. Even if you don’t use it often, it is very empowering knowing you have some idenpendance financially.
The essence of living your best life is to stay focused on what makes you happy. Ignore the nay-sayers, the saboteurs, stop beating yourself up, and stay out of that circle of concern. Instead celebrate your victories, reward yourself, and recognize that having a good life is not all about checking the box and pretending you have the perfect house and associated perfect life. It is about living in the present with those who appreciate and love you, and above all, it is about learning to appreciate yourself.
